Most of this is pieced meal in the blog I have never written out in one spot
Till I was 11yrs old my father was my hero, he had been a great Dad . What I realize now is that I was so mad at this man that I loved and trusted, in one single act he took from me a father that did not existed and my self assuredness. He reduced me to a pile of pain, not so much by the physical act but by the betrayal of my trust . I never felt safe again in my own home, although he never tried again because I finally did say NO. I knew I could never get the man back that I had Loved and trusted. In my life after that I could not find a way to related to men, unless I had a lot of alcohol thus took me down the path to alcoholism . When I was 19yrs old my father left my mother. They came and got me for I was visiting some friends that night . He had left a note saying that he wanted a divorce. I was so mad that they feed me alcohol that night . I know if I could have found a gun I could have shot and killed him.I I thought it was my fault he left ..I never told my family what happen when I was 11yr . I keep the secret and now he was leaving my mother anyway. I was also mad at them because they didn't believe me . They told that I was making it up . Even to this day they don't believe me . I never argued with them and it was 11 years before I got sober and got help for me . Since that night they have never say anything to me about my father abuse. He died before I got sober and my mother died about eight years ago an alcoholic still using.
Nobody like to admitted they are powerless .We all think that we have the power to control our lives. It is hard to believe that a substance that I put in a glass was controlling me and causing me all these problems .I was a young drinker and I got into a lot of trouble . The first time someone talked to me about my drinking I was a senor in High School just 19yrs and running with an older crowd. I did not hear a word she was saying not really . I told her I did but what did she know so I got drunk once in a while so what . It would be 11 more years before I would really hear anyone. I was thirty when I stop drink in 1975 . I was a drinker that could go for long periods and not drink but when I did look out . What got me the most was why I could not drink like a normal person socially . I really hated what happen to me and what I did when I was drunk . A friend of mine had gone to AA only 6mos earlier and one day on the beach she said for me to take this test .. Well I failed of course.. It was a few weeks later after a really bad night I ask her if I could go with her to her meeting .. I had to admit that I was powerless and I did not like it but I did not want to drink either . As I sat in the meeting everyone was talking I realized that they were just like me. If normal people are purple then Alcoholics are green . It hard being green but green is what I was and I was never going to be purple .. Most of us give a right arm to be purple after 29yr I am grateful to be green
Their was a couple of small children I was cheating out of a good mother . Why would I put them in danger by drinking and driving with then in the car I did not know . I thought I had a belief in a God of my understanding..What I did not realizes how much of my life I ruled and how little I trusted this higher power to do for me .A belief that was as empty of spirit as the Church I attended. What I found I need for me was a far more personal God. I had to trusted God to take away the insanity of this disease One Day at a Time. I had to learn to live in the NOW no matter what happen . I started by saying Please in the morning and Thank You at night...There was a picture on the wall of one of the meeting that I attended .It was a small kitten hang on to a branch of a tree for dear life . That was me in the beginning and even today when life gives me life I see the kitten holding on and I picture hands of my god holding me up.. Now life is better then it has ever been... sobriety works if we just let it .. I not telling their were no problem in my life because their were... My sponsor said in the that I was not dealing with a full deck .. At eight years sober my sponsor said no men for a year.. She didn't do that because I was a well cookie she did that so I would stay sober and get counseling. I got help and I stayed sober and I raised my children with the graces of God ... I would not have given up any of the trials or any of the joys for one drop of alcohol ... I will walk with my higher everyday of the rest of my life no matter what happens ... I could have written a lot of wars story's but I just what you to hear the truth and not how many time I got drunk or how many time I put my face in a plate of eggs because I was too drunk to eat them .. How I let strange men take me home ..I did all of that just like any other alcoholic ..What you need to hear is that their is a way of life with out booze and you can do it too... ..Thank for listening ...Sandy
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